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Kevin Smith - one of the nicest, sweetest and funniest fellas I've ever met
I finally made it to the hotel in Docklands (about 15 minutes walk from the Dome [spit]) by tea-time. Shamenka and I rendevoued, unpacked and generally got settled in. We registered, checked our convention packs and generally mooched around. After a meal in the hotel pizzeria (tasty food, but slow service) we changed into our posh frocks and went to the guest reception. I saw Dean first. I guess he's about 5ft 4/5 ins tall and his hair is short, curly and pale brown. After about 20 minutes wandering around and nattering, there was a frisson on the far side of the room, and there was Kevin. Tall, be-stubbled (probably growing his beard back or maybe it was the long flight!). He is also a lot slimmer than I'd expected. Wide rugby players' shoulders (my Dad had similar ones!), heavily muscled upper arms, but the rest of him is actually quite slender although beautifully defined. He's also long-waisted like me (well, not quite like me! - but I hope you know what I mean!). Shamenka and I tried several times to get close for a hand-shake, but Kevin kept moving out of range (I'm sure I washed.......). Finally we got in a group just before he was due to leave to get some dinner and our eyes met for a second.
Shamenka and I had some fun manning the doors for an hour or so at the disco that night. At about 10 p.m. there was a meeting for people who are subscribed to a mailing list for Kevin and we were there. I'd brought Mars bars (of course!) and scrumpy. Shamenka had brought some delicious Scottish mead. At about 11p.m., Dean and Kevin turned up. We smiled politely, then Kevin noticed the bottles on the floor.
K: (something like) Hey, are those for drinking?
Us: Various encouraging noises to the effect that he should tuck in. I helpfully told him it was scrumpy and confirmed that it was, indeed, made from apples.
K: This is how it starts, you know. Line ten different drinks up and start....testing them. [Unscrewed top, took a pretty good mouthful]. Oh, I could get used to that.....[eyebrow flick, beat]...... in about 7 or 8 years [passes bottle to Dean who takes a sample, after wiping neck of bottle thoroughly with his denim jacket. Next Kevin tried the mead]. Oh, yeah![A tiny GOW moment!]
Dean, encouraged by Kevin's approbation, took at least two big mouthfuls of the stuff [after another thorough wiping session!]. Shamenka tried to warn him that it was 16% proof, but by that time it was too late. Then the mead hit Dean and the look on his face.......!!!
K: Are you guys going to the disco? [We said yes with alacrity and followed him!]
At the disco, we danced. I was determined if at all possible to get a handshake to Kevin, so made my way over after a while and sat nearby, at his feet and to his right. Kevin was in earnest conversation with two other attendees. The music was too loud for me to make out much, but I was happy just to sit there and appreciate the scenery whilst waiting my turn. By Kevin's left was a wooden rail that overlooked the dance floor. Kevin previously had talked about doing 'chair' dancing with appropriate somewhat comical actions, (being a bloke!) but one attendee got Dean dancing! Near the end of the disco, they put on 'My heart will go on', at which point, Kevin violently grabbed the rail and mimed beating his head on it and saying:-
'Aaaaaaarghhhh! Celine Dion!!' [I get the distinct impression that if she wanted to do a duet with him, he'd say no!]
Me: [chuckling slightly] She always sounds like she could use tummy powders.
Kev: (something like) I want to sit her down and give her a big plate of meat and say 'Eat that! - and the potatoes!!' [For Kevin's information, I am a singer but I promise I eat my meat and potatoes and even come back for pudding! I work out, walk a lot and do Tae Kwon Do to stay this slim!]
Later Kevin was standing behind me whilst I was sitting down and I managed to get that handshake!
You can see what I was wearing on Saturday, but none of the guest stars commented on it! I was waiting in line behind Shamenka (dressed as female Ares GOW). So when it was my turn, there was Kevin, standing, looking right at me and giving me this big, beautiful smile. Yes, of course I smiled back! I walked over and stod by him. Our interchange went :-
K: Did you manage to sleep alright after the late night and the disco?
Me: Yeah, not too bad.
K: I got woken up by something like jackhammers at about 7.
Me: (trying to be sympathetic) I managed to miss those. [Then came the photo. Afterwards I turned towards him and looked up into his eyes, still smiling] Thank-you.
K: Thank you [And his eyes glowed warmly back at me...:::wibble:::].
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Dean strips for action.....!  |
Then I got it out and saw how big it had grown.....(my rubber plant, of course.....)  |
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You just crack me up!  |
Trying to change the microphone into a beer......  |
I forgot to take notes for most of Saturday, but Dean did hint at a good Lawless story (which it was, but I've had to edit it because Kevin was in naughty mode!). I managed to compliment him on his West Country accent when he played Jack Hawkins and he said that that voice had just been the one he'd dredged up all by himself. I told him "T'was alroight, moi luvver!"
At Kevin's talk, someone asked why he'd played with his sword in Bitter Suite. A substantial section of the audience took a smutty dive into the gutter and Kevin noticed! Shamenka reckons this was the moment when he realised Brits have those kinds of minds. The questioner went on to correct - 'No, I mean your realsword.', to which my response was 'No, that's worse!' Kevin said that he'd kind of made it up on the spot - 'I'm sitting there - what can I use? What's sticking out?' [Kevin, you just painted this picture in my mind which I'm not going to be able to scrub out EVER!]
As far as Ares GOL, goes; Kevin said that the first time he played the part as a sleazy nightclub entertainer (broke into song!) 'Look at me (cheezy smile) I'm as helpless as a kitten up a T-R-E-E, t-uh-reeeeee....' When it came to the second outing, TPTB had asked him to tone down the somewhat 'birdcage' overtones. However, Bruce Campbell told him in no uncertain terms 'I want him queer.' So Kevin took Dean Stockwell's eye acting from 'Blue Velvet' (Kevin loves this movie. It's 18 rated, dark and weird, but haunting. 'In Dreams'by Roy Orbison will never be the same again......) and the waving hands bit, if I understood him correctly, came from the otherKevin Smith. At this point, Kevin threw in some more actions. For want of anywhere better to put it, he stuck the microphone between his legs and did the hand actions. Unfortunately (!), the microphone was so placed as to be rather........suggestive. Kevin realised this fairly quickly (!), stopped, tucked the microphone over one shoulder and did the hand actions again!
There were heaps of items in the charity auction. Kevin at one point wiped something on the seat of his trousers to raise the bid! I decided to go for a 100th edition of Xena baseball cap. When I got to £85, Kevin informed me that I could buy the whole of the south island of NZ for that (oooh, would he be part of the package?!!?) and offered me the choice between the two. At the time my best response was to mime juggling the two options and going 'Hmmmmm.......'! At some point Kevin accused Dean of 'playing with himself' and advised him to get a room. Then there was the poster of Sorbo and Hurst back to back - 'So you needn't worry,' Kev commented, with a naughty twinkle. (He just HAS to know about the slash out there!).
At the convention, there were also Zena, Ares and Callisto in the most painstakingly accurate costumes. They actually make a living going around as look-a-likes. It must have been strange for Zena to meet me - she is very like YKW apart from her eyes being hazel. I know I find it weird to meet dopplegangers. Now, how to find a male Ares clone of my very own.........! We got our autographs fairly early, then went back at the end for some extra items for the charity auction atHistoriconShamenka and I entered the fancy dress competition. She got a 'highly commended' for her outfit. Here are some pictures of all of us. If you see yourself and would like to be credited under your real identity, please let me know.
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'Xena' (me!) enjoys a 'Discord', 'Ares' (Shamenka) and 'Ares' sandwich!  |
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'Discord' and 'Ares' enjoy a cuddle!  |
Gabby (Sam) still doesn't trust angel Callisto  |
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Caesar gets it in the back again from Brutus (Jimmy)  |
Auto was stunned when Iolaus escaped from Hephaestus' chains!  |
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Pegasus, the pantomime horse!  |
Jerry Patricia Brown....  |
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'Xena' (Me): "Now, BEHAVE!"  |
'Ares' and 'Xena' decide to forget their differences for once!  |
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'Xena' (Me) : Now......BEG!  |
The fancy dress judging panel - 'Callisto', Zena (sic) and 'Ares'. Great outfits!  |
At the cabaret, Kevin was having some problems with jet-lag affecting his voice (poor baby, I know the feeling!), but he still put on a stonking show for us. Steve the M.C. sang a selection of Bo Didley numbers. Willa came up next and sang:- Twist and Shout, Got you under my skin and Blue Moon.Kevin sang:- Rainy night in Georgia, Always on the run (Lenny Kravitz), Transsexual Transvestite, Boy named Sue, Fulsome Prison Blues and Hound Dog(during which he slipped briefly into Elvis!).
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Ares played gui....tar!  |
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Willa wears an outfit that was much appreciated by the guys in the audience....  |
Kev holds on to his words - just in case.  |
Afterwards, I finally managed to pass on the bottles of beer I'd brought for Kevin.
Me: Kevin.....I thought you might appreciate some lubrication after the gig.
K: (something like) Oh, thank-you; that's so generous.
Me: I thought these might appeal - they're slightly unusual. (1 Theakston's Old Peculier, 1 Monty Python's Holy Grail Ale, 1 Bonking Billy scrumpy).
K: Actually, if you don't mind, I'll take these back to NZ - I collect really strange beers and it'll be something to show the guys.
Me: And just incase you have trouble opening them.....(Produced small bottle opener. Looked carefully at his shirt) Have you got a pocket somewhere.....? (If he'd had one at chest level, I'd have slipped it in, but the only pockets he had were in his trousers. He held out his left hand, I popped it in and he put the opener in the pocket of his trousers).
Shamenka: And the scrumpy.
Kevin: Hmmm........
Shamenka: You can always give it to your Dad.
Kevin: Oh, yeah - here Dad, have a one-way ticket to hell!! (Looking back at me) Thank-you again - you guys are so kind.
Me: (touched; giving him a gentle touch on the upper part of his right arm) We like you.
K: (I think even blushing slightly, turning back to Shamenka) Thank-you.
I took 'bullet point' notes this time, so at last, some coherence!
Kevin once found a short 'funny' in the newspaper about a farmer in somewhere like Korea who had found this abandoned monkey, taken it in, adopted it and generally treated it like one of his own. One day, the farmer was in the fields and the monkey climbed up a coconut tree. The monkey threw a coconut which quite by chance caught the farmer on his head and killed him stone dead on the spot. Kevin had this warped image of the monkey plotting the deed all along, then running off with the farmer's money, car and wife to a new life somewhere else. The phrase that stuck with Kevin was 'the monkey did it!' as an excuse for when things went wrong. Now on YHerc, if there was one character who was always falling over, making a boo-boo or generally getting in the way, it was Dean O' Gorman. So Dean is sometimes known as the monkey. At some point near the end of this, Kevin mentioned a lost sheep (there being a lot of these in NZ) which was found in.....ahem....bondage gear. Shamenka was quicker than me and shouted out 'the monkey did it!' and Kevin had some difficulty getting past the mental image of a sheep and a monkey......um.....together!
Because the full account could be deemed unsuitable for children and those of a nervous disposition, here is the Bowdlerised version!! If you want the unexpurgated version, contact me by e-mail. Kevin was talking about Lawless 2 and 3. Now when he turned up for Lawless 1, he did so with a shaved chest which he'd had for a ladies night revue. Anyhow, to keep continuity, he stayed hairless for Lawless. So he turns up for the next two parts and asks that they write in somewhere that John shaved his chest whilst undercover (all those sticky concealed microphones and stuff - makes sense to me!). But TPTB said 'No' and sent Kev off to get waxed (slow regrowth!). Kev said at this point 'I'm as hairy as a bear!' So he goes to the salon and the lady says 'Oh!' ('Not that kind of 'Oh'.' - Kev!) - 'This is going to hurt you so much'. So he lies down and his basic comment on the experience was that he didn't know it was possible to feel such pain and not die. He said that he wished he'd had some bubble wrap to pop as it might have helped take his mind off things. He went on to illustrate by a further example the potential circumstance under which bubble wrap would be rather vital to him, at which point we were just about incoherent with laughter! Suffice it to say that if you are ever facing something really unpleasant or trying, you can say you need some bubble wrap or are having a bubble wrap moment!! He also described getting obsessed with hairs that came back ingrown and feeling compelled to tweezer the things out, regardless of the pain!
He was asked if he'd ever do the role. Kevin said it might be difficult finding spiky-heeled shoes big enough, as his feet are size 13 (equivelant of the English size, at a guess). He went on to descibe the trannies and cross-dressers who ply their trade on one certain street in ?Auckland. These guys are bigger than Kevin, heavily muscled and 'If they want you, they just take you!' He slipped into a voice almost identical to the tranny from the cab in Lawless, 'Hey sugar, can you give me a light?' (Audience chuckles and laughter) Kevin: (normal voice, nervously) 'Okay mate; don't hurt me!'
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What a beautiful smile.....  |
You do know there's a giant Tribble over here, don't you?  |
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You don't say!!!  |
I'd love to ask you out, but I'm too shy.....  |
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Now, this is my Travolta pose.... (Carly Bramwell, Mark Dickinson and Jo Marriot as Callisto, Ares and Zena respectively).  |
You don't scare me, I'm a happy Goddess of Peace!  |
Kevin described this film as 'Gainsborough on acid'! He expressed doubt that we'd be able to get it. A large number of the audience confirmed that it is indeed available on video in America and Britain. I think by his slight blush that he realised a good 75% of the audience had seen this early work, and therefore himself, stark naked! He went on to call it a 'flared nostril fest', pulling several hilarious faces as he did so! In the crucial washing scene, there are about a dozen guys without any clothing, Kevin included. It was very cold in NZ at the time and the SFX guys were simulating 'steam' by raining ice-cold mist down on them from above. The guys realised that their nakedness was going to be seen all over the world. Now the water in the trough down the middle was very warm, so they very carefully soaked certain vital parts of themselves in it until the director called 'Action!'. (I shall have problems watching this scene without chuckling in future.......)
Kevin loves Sondheim (me too! He'd make a great lead in 'Anyone can Whistle'and 'Passion'). Anyway, he was in a production of 'Into the Woods', playing both Cinderella's prince and the wolf. This being an adult view of the fairy stories, the wolf has an enormous erect (Kevin miming here - we are talking at least 3 feet) 'tonge' (I'd never heard that word for it before!). He went on to describe (the audience in pain, we were laughing so hard) the problems of moving and dancing with Red Riding Hood with such a huge thing getting in the way and having something of a life of its own! Plus the tech guys had to perfrom surgery on it most nights so that it stayed......ahem......upright. He mimed and acted pulling wires out of it, adjusting levers and fitting nuts and bolts to the thing (under the fur, one assumes), but we didn't care. We were gone!!!
There were a reasonable selection of items still left over. I came away with a copy of the AngelsC.D. for which I paid $25.
For those of you unfortunate never to see The Clangers on television, here are some in their natural state:-
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Two good websites with further Clanger pictures, the chance to buy episodes on PAL video, stuffed Clangers and even listen to a bit of the intro theme music are these:-
http://www.clangers.co.uk/
AND
http://cgi.mailorder2000.force9.co.uk/acatalog/Online_Catalogue_Clangers_90.html
You will probably find links on these sites to other examples of the work of the unparallelled genius that is Oliver Postgate. If you contact me directly and make me an offer somewhere in the region of £15 ($23) plus P&P, I am willing to undertake making character Clangers of your choice. They take about 2 weeks, plus whatever time in the mail, so if it's for a birthday, plan ahead! Xmas/Winter Solstice orders will take longer! I'm basing the price on the amount previous character Clangers have fetched at convention charity auctions. I'm willing to donate £5 ($8) of the proceeds to a British charity of your choice (or you can send that amount to your favourite Stateside charity then send me the balance). I'm sorry but I can only accept cash or sterling cheques. Email me at
For PANATHENAEA, I knitted a Strife, Cupid, young Iolaus and Ares GOW. When they finally emerged from hiding from the charity auction (I must admit nursing hopes of raising a famous Kevin giggle, but never mind) on Sunday night, they proved very popular. We explained to those Americans willing to listen what the Dickens they were looking at (!). As the evening wore on and alcohol was consumed, the Clangers found themselves involved in some rather interesting horse-play, which I find difficult to describe in PG terms. The up-shot of this is that I have been commissioned to knit some more for the next PANATHENAEA, so look out!!
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